Watch...

[eric]

Watch...


As they cry
watch...

As they die
watch...

As they lie
watch...

As they try
watch...

As they sigh
watch...


watch...
the tears for a hopeless life

watch...
they cannot know why

watch...
when they learn our traits

watch...
rebuilding a world we broke down

watch...
because they cannot win.


Watch...

Watch...
the world we broke down be rebuilt,
the crimes we committed be rebuked,
the sins we did to you be forgiven,
the wrongs we did be reoverwritten,

watch...
as they cry
the tears of a hopeless life
watch...
as they die
they cannot know why
watch...
as they lie
when they learn our traits
watch...
as they try
rebuilding a world we broke down
watch...
as they sigh
because they cannot win.

Watch...

Watch...
us tear ourselves apart
as the future falls into oblivion.
We cannot know how far it's gone,
this destruction we've wrought.
Dissension, destruction, retaliation,
bringing down the earth.

Now,
watch
as our children cry.

For the sins of the fathers.
Let 'em know we never tried,
let'em see how they have no hope.
Because we can't turn back now.

Now,
watch...
...
...
...
as our children cry
the tears of a hopeless life...
...
...
that we wrought.

[Elizabeth]

The concept is interesting, and true-- children learn the ways of their parents and the society around them, and it takes a real out-of-the-box person to change something. I think a lot of people will firmly nod their heads upon reading this.

My critique for you: add some more details. What's wrong here? What issues are we dealing with? Environmental? Political? Social? Or all of them? I think examples are in order.

Otherwise, this is a good framework.

[eric]

I really tried to stay away from anything specific, actually. My idea was to make it an all encompassing reprimand to a world that accepts henious crimes as normal.
That includes, violence, rape, war, shock-value media, pornography, slavery, drug use, attack politics ( )--anything, really. Is it undesirable? That's what this poem is about. It's not a specific reprimand to any one sin, but rather to all of the crimes comitted by humanity.

I think that its complete ambiguity might even be a strength; it gives it a wider appeal in that you can put any crime in--even ones that others might not considere crimes, for example homosexuality. This poem could easily translate into that for some one to who homosexuality is a problem. At the same time, a gay might come across this poem and never think of that. A hippie could come across this poem and find it to be totally anti-war, but a warhawk would not necesarilly see that. What it does is allow people to put their own face onto my words, without the benefit of my having led them to a specific conclusion. After all, the whole purpose of this poem is to get others to get up and do something about something they hate. If it's an issue that they strongly oppose, it's the one that will most likely get them to move.

But, if I had to choose one to put this poem to, it would most likely be war and all-around violence. The children of the future will cry for the the children of today as they kill each other off.
(Don't get me wrong, I'm not an anti-war activist, I believe that sometimes {though rarely} war is the only good solution. But that doesn't mean that they're a good thing). I think I'll repost an edited version in a day or two.
Good point, by the way. I never would have seen it in that light.

[Elizabeth]

I see what you're going for.